Today I have a little something different. A new, unpublished author with an incredibly powerful testimony to share. I hope you will welcome her, love on her, and read her beautiful words. Welcome, Aliseea!
My name is Aliseea P. Cromer, and I’m your guest blogger today.
Today, I’ll be sharing my story when I struggled with my faith and walked away from God.
In 2014, I was bullied by a group of girls that were my friends. It’d happened before. Somehow I would do something wrong that would get them to gossip about me and talk down on me, whether that’d be in my face or behind my back. I always apologized for it and watched as it happened to me time and time again, and this time was my breaking point.
They spread rumors about me at church; they and their friends bullied me online, anonymously and on my page. I cried a lot the first few months of that year and lost my friends.
My parents were aware of what was happening. My mom spoke to one of the girls’ mother, they talked to the pastor about what was happening, even had me delete my Instagram account. They did their best to protect me from all the hurt that was happening around me. But the hurt had already scratched at my armor a long time ago, and the cracks it left in its wake allowed the pain to seep through and fill my mind. All the words that were said lined its walls with its letters and repeated themselves every second of every day.
Fat, ugly, useless, stupid, a loser; church-hopper, a homeschooler who has no life.
I locked those words away, and they piled up in the corners of my mind. That hurt taunted me and caused me to become angry with God. I blamed Him for all that’d happened, for every word that was said and every tear shed.
Why would God allow something like this? Why would He stand there and watch these girls spread lies about me and use their phones to write hate comments on my Instagram? Does He even love me?
In mid-July that same year, my faith started to waver. I knew in Jeremiah 29:11 it tells me that what God has planned for me isn’t to hurt me but to bring me hope. But with the year I had, I couldn’t see the hope and was tired of looking and waiting for it.
My faith crumbled and I turned away from God. I deleted every worship song I had on my phone and turned to songs that made me feel good about myself, even if it was only for three minutes.
Three minutes that helped the hurt go away.
Three minutes that helped me pretend that everything that happened never did.
But the three minutes didn’t last forever. No matter how hard I tried to drown the words out with the music, they never left. They haunted me, changed the way I saw myself. Each time I looked in the mirror I hated what I saw. My thighs and stomach looked bigger, broader. I noticed these stretch marks that covered the sides of my stomach and around my legs. I became self-aware and insecure.
I fell into a pit of darkness. Everyone I was close to, I pushed away. I no longer wanted anything to do with God and His plans for my life. I became depressed and wandered so far from the light I once knew so well. I figured if any marks were going to be on my body, they should be because I want them there. So, that end of July and beginning of August, I did something terrible. I self-harmed.
For months I did this horrible thing to myself. I kept my family at arm’s length. God was no longer a part of my life. I closed myself up and didn’t let anyone see what was going on. I locked the bathroom doors, locked my bedroom door, and refused to spend time with my family. I isolated myself from everyone and everything.
My parents tried to get me to open up, tried to see past my fake smiles and get me to share with them everything that was going through my mind. But I was convinced that I had everything under control. What I was doing was right and helping. Those private moments behind closed doors when I could let out the hurt and the anger on myself were moments that helped. I was doing just fine on my own. I needed no one.
The New Year came, and January flew by. My way of healing wasn’t working, and it bothered me. It bothered me than an entire year of hurt and pain was following me into the New Year. Every line and every private time I had wasn’t helping me anymore. All it did was cause more pain.
I needed something or someone to help me through this hurt, to help me find healing. There was one person I knew who could understand everything that I’ve gone through, who has always been there with me in my darkest and loneliest moments.
With tear-filled eyes one Sunday morning, I asked God to forgive me and to heal me of all this hurt that I hid away for so long. I asked Him to help me carry it and guide me through the year with the hope that was spoken in Jeremiah 29:11. Peace, love, forgiveness, and hope covered me in a warm blanket of light and the darkness scattered. At that moment I didn’t feel alone because He was right there with me.
I removed every song that pointed me to self. I did the K-Love 30-day challenge and listened to God’s music every day. A song that was always on replay was “Through All Of It” by Colton Dixon:
There are days I’ve taken more than I can give
And there are choices that I made
That I wouldn’t make again
I’ve had my share of laughter
Of tears and troubled times
This is has been the story of my life
I have won
and I have lost
I got it right sometimes
But sometimes I did not
Life’s been a journey
I’ve seen joy, I’ve seen regret
Oh and You have been my God
Through all of it
It was 30-days of healing, of love, and of hope. And within those 30-days I realized I was never alone. God was always right there with me, carrying me when my legs couldn’t, wiping away the tears that streamed down my face, and He cried alongside me as I inflicted harm to myself.
Hebrews 6:19 is a verse that reminds me God is my anchor in the storm when the waves come crashing against me and try to knock me over. Every day I wear an anchor around my neck to remind me of that verse, and to remind me that nothing can crash me down because “…I have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.”
Today, I am healed of all but one of my scars on my leg. That scar doesn’t represent the hurt and the pain, but rather it represents the love, hope, and victory found in God. He healed me physically, mentally, and emotionally.
It’s taken me a couple of years to share this part of my testimony. I also had a hard time writing this post for you. But I know that God will use my story to encourage you that no matter how bad it is, He is right there, walking alongside you. He’s never left you, and will never leave you. Every day He holds His arms wide open, waiting for you to come crashing into them and letting Him fight the battle for you. He is your anchor. You only need to let Him be it.
Thank you for reading my testimony. I am praying for each of you and I pray that whoever you are that needed to hear this, you will find God through all of it.
“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” –Hebrews 6:19
Aliseea, thank you. For being open, for being honest. For being your beautiful self! It has been a long time since high school (maybe not so long to some of you), but I remember the pain. The struggle to find myself, to believe that God loved me for exactly who I was. I so appreciate you today!
Aliseea P. Cromer is a youth leader, teacher’s aide, aspiring author, and a firm believer in Christ. She was born and raised in a Christian home and came to know Jesus when she was four.
Her writing journey started when she was a young teen, through some hardships and struggling a lot with body image and friendships. It was through writing that Aliseea was able to express her feelings. Writing and leaning on God helped her through those battles, and she came out victorious in Him!
It wasn’t until 2016 that Aliseea truly started to pursue her dream as an author. One of the first books she’s ever written, but never published, is a sci-fi/teen fiction genre about a young girl who was different than anyone else. It was during the time she was looking to get her book published that the wise words of her mother and the conviction of the Holy Spirit impressed Aliseea should be using this gift to honor God through her books. After a year of seeking God’s direction, Aliseea wrote the story that has been on her heart and is now praying for guidance as she looks for an agent to represent her. In the meantime, Aliseea continues to write, whether it’s on her blog or in her journal, with the goal to honor and praise God and point others back to Him.
When Aliseea isn’t writing, she is working full time as a teacher’s aide, a youth leader and a worship leader in her church’s youth group. She also spends her evenings with her family and her little puppy, Gracee.
Above all else, Aliseea prays that her writing will be used to encourage others around the globe and direct others back to God.
Aliseea is also a member of ACFW (American Christian Fiction Writers).
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